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Friday, June 19, 2009

A suitable craft project for an invalid.

Upcycling an old Karen Walker tshirt into a cushion cover, also making use of that denim you got as a bargain from the op shop.

1. Cut out the denim roughly the size of the cushion. Cut the tee however you like. Take everything to your mother to have her cut it all again, but this time more cushion-shaped and with straight edges.

2. Ask your dad for a hammer. Navigate around the massive gaping drain he has recently dug in the back yard to fetch the hammer from the shed. Thank god you didn't fall in the drain and dirty your last pair of clean(ish) pajamas.

3. Count the number of snap button thingies you have. Divide this number by the number of sides of the cushion. Curse your expensive-yet-clearly-inadequate girls' school education and work it out on a calculator.

4. Sit the piece of tshirt on top of the denim and make wild stabs at where the snap button thingies should go. Snip the fabric, grab the hammer, and damage the tiles around your parents' fireplace by hammering in the first button. Quickly scan imagination and come up with story about a small earthquake. That happened while they were overseas. Before they had the tiles installed around the fire. Oh shit.

5. Take everything outside very quickly while your mother is putting the chickens away in the coop for the evening, and before she can see what you have done. Preferably move everything in front of your toddler who immediately wants to help because hammering stuff is What He Lives For.

6. Negotiate hammering in the 600 other bloody snap button thingies with a 23 month old maniac holding the hammer. Kiss the ground when you get to the end and have lived. Turn to your child and check that he has also lived. Congratulate yourself on avoiding an awkward conversation with his father.

7. Take a break to watch game shows on telly.

8. Muster enthusiasm to finish project. Tell yourself that you'll whip up the rest of the cushion after the child goes to bed.

9. Feign extreme pain/breakdown/minor amputation/mental retardation in effort to convince your mother to finish project for you. Suddenly remember that this technique has not worked on her in 31 years when she is starts to ridicule you.

10. Take all parts of the unfinished project home with you and swear that you will finish it. Soon. Consider taking cunning photo of the front of the cushion to make it look like it is finished so that you can blog about it. Fail spectacularly and blog about it anyway.


Anonymous said...

I don't know how to write guffawing noises. But that's what I'm doing. Because I can totally see it. Every single step. K

speckled egg said...

Fabulous! Hope you're feeling better

Amy said...

LOL I can so totally relate to that

sue said...

11. offer it as a project giveaway on your blog. and receive kudos for being so crafty and generous ;)