A place where lazy bloggers can come and feel better about themselves. The rest of you are welcome too.

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Hospital: Part 1

Just over a month ago, I was pregnant with our second baby; with Remy's little brother or sister. Our baby was going to arrive at Christmas, our Christmas baby.

I felt like I was having a little girl. Somehow I just knew it. Maybe it was because this time was so different than when I was pregnant with Remy. I had nausea, sure, but I wasn't throwing up on the pavement like I was with him. I didn't need to carry airsick bags with me.

I was getting a tummy. Jules would talk to my tummy and tell the baby how much we loved her and wanted her. I started making some maternity clothes because I knew my other stuff wasn't going to last too long.

I was at the baby store on a Tuesday afternoon when I went to the toilet and saw blood. Lots of blood. I panicked. I shut the shop and ran over the road to my doctors' surgery. I saw my friend Thomas, a doctor, in the waiting room and started crying.

He took me into his room and I told him about the blood. He was worried, but told me that while it looked bad, it could all be ok.

I went home and went to bed. I cried. Mostly it was fear, not knowing what was going to happen. Hoping that our baby was going to hang on.

But I didn't have a lot of hope. I'm not stupid. I knew that it didn't look good.

The next day we had a scan; the woman was blunt. It was bad news. The baby was gone. It was now a matter of waiting for everything else to pass.

We went home, numb, crying, shocked.

==========================================================================

That night the pain was too much. I lost consciousness, I was in agony.

Jules called an ambulance and we went to hospital.

==========================================================================

Days passed. Weeks started to form around us. Life carried on.

But I was in so much pain every day. Something was wrong. I couldn't sit down easily, picking up Remy was painful, lying down at night was something I came to dread. I bled and bled and bled. I was so emotional; crying one moment, angry the next. My patience with Remy was short and I felt so guilty.

I visited my doctor. Always the same answer. You don't have an infection. I don't know what's wrong. I'm puzzled. Go away and see if it gets better.

I missed a follow up scan. I couldn't face all that intrusion. Not again. It had already been a medical problem with no medical answers. My baby was dead and no one would talk about my baby. They talked about pregnancy tissue. They referred to products of conception.

The pain got worse. Daily life was hard.
======================================================================

I got a letter from the hospital for another scan and I put it on the fridge. It made me angry - the date of the scan was exactly one month after I started bleeding. Why the hell would they bother with this if there was nothing wrong with me? Did they need me to comply so that they could complete the paperwork?

I wasn't going to go. I did. But I have no idea what made me go this time.

It was the same woman as last time; she was blunt. It was bad news, there was something wrong.

5 comments:

a camera in the world said...

Megan, I don't have the words to tell you how Rachel and I feel. If we could we would give you a big hug and hope that it helped, and made us feel less hopeless.

Mel Archer said...

Oh Megan, I am so sorry... sending all my thoughts and love in your direction...

Look Left Karen said...

Oh no how bloody awful for you, that's not very nice or fair or right! That absolutely sucks and it sounds drool but I guess it is all about taking one day at a time when you are in crisis mode and not expecting too much of yourself.
I am hoping things are gonna get better and be OK for you very soon. I am thinking of you and sending happy, thoughtful, painfree vibes. x
(and to think I was gonna tell you I was feeling afeard of doing that meme.)

Laura McQuillan said...

Hi Megan, we haven't met but I know Jules and I've met gorgeous little Remy. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. I hope you stay strong and that the future looks brighter soon. Take care xx

disa said...

A漫,h漫,成人漫畫,免費A片,色情網站,色情遊戲,情色文學,麗的色遊戲,色情,色情影片,同志色教館,色色網,色遊戲,自拍,本土自拍,kk俱樂部,後宮電影院,後宮電影,85cc免費影城,85cc免費影片,免費影片,免費小遊戲,免費遊戲,小遊戲,遊戲,好玩遊戲,好玩遊戲區,A片,情趣用品,遊戲區,史萊姆好玩遊戲,史萊姆,遊戲基地,線上遊戲,色情遊戲,遊戲口袋,我的遊戲口袋,小遊戲區,手機遊戲,貼圖,A片下載,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色貼圖,情色,色情網站,色情遊戲,色情小說,情色文學,色情,aio交友愛情館,色情影片,臺灣情色網,寄情築園小遊戲,情色論壇,嘟嘟情人色網,情色視訊,愛情小說,言情小說,一葉情貼圖片區,情趣用品,情趣,色情漫畫,情色網,情色a片,情色遊戲,85cc成人片,嘟嘟成人網,成人網站,18成人,成人影片,成人交友網,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人光碟,微風成人區,免費成人影片