Things that almost made it into my Facebook status updates this week

Sometimes my friends have no idea how considerate I am to them. This week alone I managed to (almost) stop myself from spamming them about my life via Facebook*. You, dear blog reader, have not been so lucky.

The 10 things I might have said on Facebook had some pesky sense of control not got in the way:

10. Remy is completely convinced that we do not drink cow's milk, instead we drink human's milk. It makes me picture human milking sheds. This alone is almost enough to turn me from flat whites to espressos.

9. Why was the farmer so specific about not shampooing the lamb? Why did he ban me from making her clothes? Does he give these instructions to everyone who looks after a lamb for him?

8. I don't have an attention span long enough to watch TV anymore. Not even the ads. What's next? That I won't be able to concentrate all the way through a blink?

7. Shut up body. I walked the 500 metres to the dairy. It wasn't a freaking hike up Everest.

6. Motherhood is not a good enough excuse for not showering. Ok, maybe it was when Remy was a screaming infant, but not now that the child is 3.

5. I have watched two rugby games in the past 8 weeks. I am the world's greatest girlfriend.

4. I stormed into the house of the people suspected of burgling my house and yelled at them. The Police have since reassured me that, while they are not the type of crims to stab me while I sleep, I should probably not do it again just in case. Good point Gov.

3. But the farmer didn't mention not painting the lambs hooves with pink nail polish... Megan 1, Farmer 0

2. When I casually mentioned to my mother that I was going to Wellington for the night while Remy had a sleep-over at a friend's house she gasped "But what if he wakes up? Don't do it Megan!" in the exact same tone she would use if I had said that I was leaving Remy with a pack of wolves for a week. In Christchurch. With no emergency survival kit. That woman never wants me to have any fun.

1. Looks like I'll never play Trivial Pursuit ever again. Boyfriend is a doctor and it turns out they have to know stuff. Like, lots of stuff. I'm pretty sure second year of med school must be entirely focused on memorising the cards from the Trivial Pursuit: Genius Edition.



*Is there such a thing as 'a little spamming'? Or is it like being pregnant - either you are or you aren't? If there is such a thing, then I did it. I spammed them a little bit.

10 status updates I didn't post on Facebook this week

Megan Rose:
1. has decided not to be a mother this week. She's taking the week off because it's too hard.
2. boiled every component of the dinner tonight. Mmmmm, delicious.
3. has finally found a reality TV programme that she just. cannot. watch.
4. wants to add that, in fact, she finds Stylista so bad that it makes her want to scratch out her own eyes.
5. cannot stop putting her tongue into the place her filling once was.
6. was a little surprised when Remy started called her Megan. Now she's proud of him for figuring out that 'Mummy' was just an alias.
7. is having landlord woes.
8. is checking out a new house in the morning. Fingers crossed.
9. would love the manicure fairy to come and visit.
10. has cold feet. Not that sort of cold feet. Actual cold feet. Like, literally.

10: Things Remy did while naked this week

1. Gardening.
2. Dancing.
3. Stood in front of the open freezer.
4. Rode the rocking horse.
5. Rode his bike.
6. Read stories.
7. Watched telly.
8. Greeted visitors.
9. Ate dinner.
10. Ran around the lounge like a maniac.

10: things I'd like to know the answer to but can't be bothered researching

1. Does hair grow faster in summertime? Specifically, I'd like to know if leg hair grows faster in summer.
2. How could I have gone so long before discovering SEXY PEOPLE? (Thanks Small Town Stories).
3. Will watching the E! Channel erode my IQ?
4. Does lipstick go off? If not, why does the Dior lipstick I bought about, um, 4 years ago smell funny all of a sudden?
5. Are there really no sex workers in Oamaru?
6. What is the best answer to give when someone tells me to "Smile! It's not that bad"?
7. Was the telly programme Dead Like Me cancelled?
8. Why does my voice sound different in my head than out loud?
9. What should I do when someone I don't like or don't know asks to be my friend on Facebook?
10. Who is stealing all my broadband allowance? Surely 10 mega-pixel-giga-hertz of broadband per month can't run out as quickly as it does in my house without something dodgy going on.

10: The Remy edition

This week Remy:

1. ate, then pooed, charcoal. Yum.

2. said 'ouch' every time I cut one of his toenails or fingernails. There were a lot of ouches.

3. went to bed at 9.30pm three nights in a row.

4. spent the day naked three days in a row.

5. started throwing himself in and out of the bath.

6. danced. A lot.

7. watered the garden. And himself.

8. ran outside to pee twice.

9. discovered the ice cream in the freezer (at least it's an improvement from gnawing on frozen mince).

10. Came to visit me at work for a few minutes. In that time, he almost flooded the executive office. Oops.

10 Crap TV programmes I'll probably tell you I'm giving up this year but that I'll continue watching anyway

1. Bridezillas
2. Deal or No Deal
3. Wheel of Fortune
4. My Sweet Sixteen
5. Beauty and the Geek
6. Girls of the Playboy Mansion
7. Monk
8. Neighbours at War
9. Isn't that enough already?
10. No, really, aren't you shocked at the 8 programmes I've listed? Do you need another 2?