A place where lazy bloggers can come and feel better about themselves. The rest of you are welcome too.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Riding the buses - A field guide on how NOT to be that asshole. 

There are ways to ride the buses that leaves everyone with no impression of you whatsoever and there are ways to ride the buses so that people know you are an asshole. 

Don't let people know for sure that you are an asshole. Here's how in six easy points.

1. Don't be that asshole who takes his golf clubs on the bus. Because that's just stupid. You want to be the guy who is standing next to the homeless man while you're holding your golf clubs? You want people to push past you and your golf clubs in the aisle? You want people to mutter 'asshole' under their breath? Then sure, take your clubs for a ride on the number 5. 

2. Don't be that asshole who takes up two seats because you are reading the paper. Or because you need to rest your sixteen-year-old feet. Or because your bag needs a lie down. Or because you just feel like it. And in related asshole-ness, don't sit in the aisle seat so that someone has to push past you to sit in the window seat. 

3. Don't be that asshole who gropes women. It's not legal and it's certainly uncool. Also, if you get punched in the balls or your eyes gouged out, no one is going to help you. They'll just call you an asshole. 

4. Don't be that asshole who does stupid stuff. Like using the rails to work on your chin-ups. We're not an audience. We're just trying to get places. 

5. Don't be that young asshole who sits while older people stand. One day you'll be old and you'll have to stand on your rickety arthritic hips while some fourteen-year-old asshole sits in a seat. Don't tempt karma. 

6. So you're an asshole who likes listening to Bon Jovi really, really loudly? Good on you. And you are welcome to do just that. In the privacy of your own home. Don't inflict your music on other people. And see your doctor for a hearing test. I know you need one. 

There's no easy way to sum this up. Let's see... Did I cover everything y'all need to know? 

Don't be an asshole. 

Check.

We're done here. 

1 comment:

Lisa Golden said...

Very funny and sadly, very necessary. I love those guys who sit with legs spread wide open so that when you're sitting next to them,they're in your space.